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Woody Allen
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When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
- Woody Allen
#Back
#Feel
#Go
#Guilty
#Steal
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
- Woody Allen
#Her
#Really
#Want
#Wife
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
- Woody Allen
#Done
#Down
#Dying
#Few Things
#Things
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
- Woody Allen
#Bear
#Live
#Me
#Parents
#Think
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
- Woody Allen
#Days
#Numbered
#Our
#Say
#Why
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
- Woody Allen
#Been
#Intellectual
#Look
#Never
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
- Woody Allen
#Death
#Done
#Down
#Side
#Things
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
- Woody Allen
#America
#Forty
#Little
#Over
#Year
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
- Woody Allen
#Either
#Had
#Love
#Over
#Smallpox
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
- Woody Allen
#Pedestal
#Place
#Wife
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
- Woody Allen
#Last Night
#Last
#Luck
#Night
#Worse
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
- Woody Allen
#Body
#Fun
#Man
#Mind
#Two
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
- Woody Allen
#Bad
#Being
#Car
#Once
#Two
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
- Woody Allen
#Being Funny
#Choice
#First
#Funny
#Humor
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
- Woody Allen
#Comedy
#Drama
#Meat
#Potatoes
#Problems
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
- Woody Allen
#Bankruptcy
#Education
#Lack
#Moral
#More
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
- Woody Allen
#Great
#He
#Idea
#New
#Triangle
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
- Woody Allen
#Carry
#Death
#Experience
#Impossible
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
- Woody Allen
#Food
#He
#Man
#Only
#Why
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
- Woody Allen
#Because
#Good
#My Own
#Own
#Practice
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen
#Art
#Bad
#Imitate
#Life
#Television
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
- Woody Allen
#Doing
#Know
#Movies
#Profit
#Right
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
- Woody Allen
#Harvard
#Know
#Makes
#Mistakes
#Taught
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
- Woody Allen
#Done
#Feel
#Job
#Movies
#Person
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
- Woody Allen
#Away
#Beverly Hills
#Garbage
#Television
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
- Woody Allen
#Divided
#Horrible
#Life
#Miserable
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
- Woody Allen
#Call
#Dead Horse
#Dead
#Horse
#Would
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- Woody Allen
#God
#Hard
#Nature
#Poet
#Tree
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
- Woody Allen
#Disturbed
#Education
#School
#Teacher
#Teachers
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
- Woody Allen
#Bad People
#Bad
#Better
#Good
#World
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
- Woody Allen
#Bank
#Clear
#God
#Me
#Name
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
- Woody Allen
#Action
#Kidnapped
#Out
#Parents
#Room
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
- Woody Allen
#Fun
#Most
#Much
#Rest
#Time
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
- Woody Allen
#Dinners
#Frozen
#Suck
#Them
#Who
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen
#Believe
#Change
#Funny
#I Am
#Life
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
- Woody Allen
#Eternal
#Fine
#Happen
#Nothingness
#You
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
- Woody Allen
#Dream
#Nothing
#Somebody
#What If
I am two with nature.
- Woody Allen
#Am
#I Am
#Nature
#Two
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
- Woody Allen
#Fruitful
#Guy
#Hit
#Some
#Words
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
- Woody Allen
#Dead
#Food
#Sick
#Want
#Will
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
- Woody Allen
#Find
#Know
#People
#Universe
#Way
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
- Woody Allen
#Away
#California
#Garbage
#Make
#Throw
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
- Woody Allen
#Being
#Happy
#Instead
#Liking
#Talent
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
- Woody Allen
#Down
#Lie
#Lion
#Sleep
#Together
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
- Woody Allen
#Because
#Chess
#Funny
#Height
#Make
#Team
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
- Woody Allen
#I Am
#Laughter
#Milk
#Nose
#Thankful
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- Woody Allen
#Atheist
#God
#Loyal
#Opposition
#You
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
- Woody Allen
#I Can
#Money
#Now
#Right
#Turn
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
- Woody Allen
#Bath
#Home
#Marriage
#She
#Wife
Marriage is the death of hope.
- Woody Allen
#Death
#Hope
#Marriage
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
- Woody Allen
#Finding
#God
#Only
#Sunday
#Try
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
- Woody Allen
#Experience
#Good
#Love Is
#Love
#Sex
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
- Woody Allen
#Armenian
#He
#Next
#Suicide
#Tried
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
- Woody Allen
#Life
#Percent
#Seventy
#Showing Up
#Success
#Up
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen
#Everything
#Illusion
#Nothing
#What If
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen
#Better
#Financial
#Money
#Only
#Poverty
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
- Woody Allen
#Achieve
#Death
#Dying
#Immortality
#Work
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
- Woody Allen
#Illusion
#Tradition
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
- Woody Allen
#Live
#Make
#Things
#Up
#Want
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen
#Boss
#Decision
#House
#Just
#Wife
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
- Woody Allen
#Food
#Here
#Small
#Terrible
#Too
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
- Woody Allen
#Death
#Evening
#Insurance
#Life
#Things
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
- Woody Allen
#Night
#Saturday Night
#Saturday
#Your
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen
#Afraid
#Die
#Happens
#Just
#Want
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
- Woody Allen
#Course
#Peace
#Read
#Russia
#War
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen
#Funny
#I Am
#Life
#Regret
#Someone
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
- Woody Allen
#Deathbed
#Gold
#Me
#Proud
#Watch
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
- Woody Allen
#God
#Laugh
#Plans
#Want
#Your
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
- Woody Allen
#Life
#Loneliness
#Misery
#Suffering
#Too
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
- Woody Allen
#Showing Up
#Success Is
#Success
#Up
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
- Woody Allen
#Believe
#Government
#I Believe
#Watching
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
- Woody Allen
#Again
#Anything
#Doing
#Failure
#Now
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen
#Afraid
#Death
#Die
#Happens
#Want
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen
#Afraid
#Death
#Happens
#I Am
#Want
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