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W. C. Fields

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There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. - W. C. Fields

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. - W. C. Fields

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. - W. C. Fields

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. - W. C. Fields

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. - W. C. Fields

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia. - W. C. Fields

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. - W. C. Fields

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. - W. C. Fields

I must have a drink of breakfast. - W. C. Fields

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. - W. C. Fields

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. - W. C. Fields

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. - W. C. Fields

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. - W. C. Fields

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. - W. C. Fields

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. - W. C. Fields

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia. - W. C. Fields

I drink therefore I am. - W. C. Fields

Never give a sucker an even break. - W. C. Fields

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. - W. C. Fields

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times. - W. C. Fields

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. - W. C. Fields

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. - W. C. Fields

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive. - W. C. Fields

I never met a kid I liked. - W. C. Fields

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. - W. C. Fields

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. - W. C. Fields

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. - W. C. Fields

#Most Beautiful

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. - W. C. Fields

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. - W. C. Fields

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. - W. C. Fields

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. - W. C. Fields

I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do. - W. C. Fields

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? - W. C. Fields

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. - W. C. Fields

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. - W. C. Fields

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. - W. C. Fields

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. - W. C. Fields

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. - W. C. Fields

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. - W. C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. - W. C. Fields

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. - W. C. Fields

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. - W. C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. - W. C. Fields

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. - W. C. Fields

I like children - fried. - W. C. Fields

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. - W. C. Fields

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. - W. C. Fields

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. - W. C. Fields

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. - W. C. Fields

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. - W. C. Fields

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. - W. C. Fields

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. - W. C. Fields

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. - W. C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. - W. C. Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. - W. C. Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. - W. C. Fields

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. - W. C. Fields

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. - W. C. Fields

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. - W. C. Fields

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. - W. C. Fields

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. - W. C. Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. - W. C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. - W. C. Fields

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. - W. C. Fields

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