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Sloane Crosley
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#Tags
Brits and Americans have hundreds of different phrases for the same thing. Luckily, it's usually a source of amusement rather than frustration. A flashlight by any other name is still a torch. My personal favourite is 'fairy lights,' which we boringly refer to as 'Christmas lights.'
- Sloane Crosley
#Christmas
#Fairy
#Frustration
#Name
When you spin a globe and point to a city and actually go to that city, you build an allowance of missed opportunities on the back end.
- Sloane Crosley
#Back
#Build
#City
#End
#Go
For a long time I wanted to draw, but I could never get the proportions right. My still life sketches were the artistic equivalent of someone who has misjudged the space constraints of a postcard, the handwriting shrinking uncomfortably at the bottom.
- Sloane Crosley
#Life
#Long Time
#Long
#Space
#Time
I attended an extremely small liberal arts school. There were approximately 1,600 of us roaming our New England campus on a good day. My high school was bigger. My freshman year hourly calorie intake was bigger.
- Sloane Crosley
#Day
#Good Day
#Good
#New
#School
The Queen of Crafts herself, Martha Stewart, and I have the same birthday. I prefer to think it's the glue-gun wielding, perfect-tart-producing Martha and not the copper pan-throwing, jail-going Martha. But I suppose if I am going to share a calendar square with some of Martha, I have to share it with all of Martha.
- Sloane Crosley
#Birthday
#Calendar
#I Am
#Queen
#Same
My mother is a special education teacher but also an artist, and my father an advertising executive. They are about as wacky as you can get without being alcoholics.
- Sloane Crosley
#Advertising
#Education
#Father
#Teacher
Ah, the power of two. There's nothing quite like it. Especially when it comes to paying utility bills, parenting, cooking elaborate meals, purchasing a grown-up bed, jumping rope and lifting heavy machinery. The world favours pairs. Who wants to waste the wood building an ark for singletons?
- Sloane Crosley
#Bed
#Cooking
#Parenting
#Power
#World
My grandmother was a kind of Scarsdale, New York, society woman, best known in her day as the author of the 1959 book 'Growing Your Own Way: An Informal Guide for Teen-Agers' - this despite being a person whose parenting style made Joan Crawford's wire hangers look like pool noodles.
- Sloane Crosley
#Best
#Day
#Parenting
#Society
#Style
It's funny. People often compare me to other humor essayists. They're usually quite nice comparisons; I will accept those gladly. But I am always sort of appalled at the idea of being lumped with other, more chick-y female writers. And the truth is probably that neither comparison is accurate.
- Sloane Crosley
#Funny
#Humor
#I Am
#Me
#Truth
I think a lot of humor is about distracting yourself. Pretend you're not trying to make it funny. Because for some reason the effort to be funny smells like sulphur in our culture.
- Sloane Crosley
#Culture
#Effort
#Funny
#Humor
#Yourself
There's just no concept of layering a thick-sleeved sweater under a coat in L.A. A coat is more of a gesture than a necessity. You know, in case the temperature goes down to 55 degrees.
- Sloane Crosley
#Down
#Know
#More
#Necessity
#Sweater
I was diagnosed with a severe temporal spatial deficit, a learning disability that means I have zero spatial relations skills. It was official: I was a genius trapped in an idiot's body.
- Sloane Crosley
#Body
#Genius
#Idiot
#Learning
#Zero
I used to think that nails-down-a-chalkboard was the worst sound in the world. Then I moved on to people-eating-cereal-on-the-phone. But only this week did I stumble across the rightful winner: it's the sound of a baggage carousel coming to a grinding halt, having reunited every passenger on your flight with their luggage, except for you.
- Sloane Crosley
#Sound
#Week
#Winner
#World
#Worst
I was the youngest of my entire family so you are tap-dancing to try to get the attention of your older cousins. I really hit my social stride in 6th grade, but before that I was a pretty big dork. You learn how to be amusing and how to work for it.
- Sloane Crosley
#Attention
#Big
#Family
#Try
#Work
I hope to one day co-sign a lease with another person but, well, it doesn't plague me that I have yet to do so. Put it this way: I've never had to violently tug at my own pillow at 2 A.M. to get myself to stop snoring.
- Sloane Crosley
#Day
#Hope
#Me
#Myself
#Way
For me, titles are either a natural two-second experience or stressful enough to give you an ulcer. If they don't pop out perfect on the first try, they can be really hard to repair. Or, worse, if the author thinks they pop out perfect, but the publishing house does not agree, it's difficult to shift gears. And then? Then you go insane.
- Sloane Crosley
#Difficult
#Experience
#Me
#Perfect
#Try
Unless you are a professional, you will find the tart to be a high-maintenance, unforgiving whistle-blower of a pastry.
- Sloane Crosley
#Find
#Pastry
#Professional
#Tart
#Will
The year most of my high school friends and I got our driver's permits, the coolest thing one could do was stand outside after school and twirl one's car keys like a lifeguard whistle. That jingling sound meant freedom and power.
- Sloane Crosley
#Car
#Freedom
#Power
#School
#Stand
In every woman's wardrobe, there are certain accessories that cannot be separated from their back stories.
- Sloane Crosley
#Back
#Cannot
#Every
#Wardrobe
#Woman
Are there moments when I see unrequited crushes or ex-boyfriends slow dancing with their dates and kind of want to stab myself in the spleen with a salad fork? Yeah, sure.
- Sloane Crosley
#Death
#Myself
#See
#Slow
#Want
In general, I prefer to record all traumas and save them for later, playing them over and over so they can haunt me for a disproportionate number of weeks to come. It's very healthy.
- Sloane Crosley
#General
#Healthy
#Me
#Playing
#Record
A pet store is a celebration of dogs' existence and an explosion of options. About cats, a pet store seems to say, 'Here, we couldn't think of anything else.' Cats are the Hanukkah of the animal world in this way. They are feted quietly and happily by a minority, but there's only so much hoopla applicable to them.
- Sloane Crosley
#Animal
#Minority
#Pet
#Way
#World
I thought I was going to write fiction but I fell backwards into non-fiction. It started when I got locked out of two apartments in one day and I told the story to some friends, one of whom worked in the 'Village Voice' and asked me to turn it into an essay.
- Sloane Crosley
#Day
#Me
#Story
#Village
#Voice
Our brains are like bonsai trees, growing around our private versions of reality.
- Sloane Crosley
#Around
#Like
#Our
#Private
#Reality
I can't see the forest through the trees, except the trees are people.
- Sloane Crosley
#Except
#Forest
#People
#See
#Through
Our culture's obsession with vintage objects has rendered us unable to separate history from nostalgia. People want heart. They want a chaser of emotion with their aesthetics.
- Sloane Crosley
#Culture
#Heart
#History
#People
#Vintage
Since graduation, I have measured time in 4-by-5-inch pieces of paper, four days on the left and three on the right. Every social engagement, interview, reading, flight, doctor's appointment, birthday and dry-cleaning reminder has been handwritten between metal loops.
- Sloane Crosley
#Birthday
#Days
#Doctor
#Graduation
#Time
I'm a summer baby, so I usually have my birthday as a good summer memory.
- Sloane Crosley
#Baby
#Birthday
#Good
#Memory
#Summer
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