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Rodney Dangerfield
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#Tags
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Good
#Goodness
#Looking
#Me
#Wife
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Funny
#Luck
#Politician
#Way
#Would
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Day
#Go
#Me
#Trying
#Wife
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Life
#Sex
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Girl
#Last Night
#Last
#Myself
#Night
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Halloween
#Like
#Looking
#Me
#Parents
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Her
#Just
#Marriage
#Rocks
#Up
#Wife
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Chocolate
#Got
#She
#Stuck
#Wife
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Father
#Kid
#Picture
#Wallet
#Who
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#After
#Born
#Morning
#Mother
#Sickness
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Bone
#Dog
#Favorite
#Got
#Pet
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Birth
#Boy
#Control
#Me
#Year
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Blind
#Day
#Face
#Library
#Man
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Feed
#Me
#Mother
#Shot
#Ugly
Life is just a bowl of pits.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Bowl
#Just
#Life
#Pits
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Family
#Pet
#Three
#Tree
#Up
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Being
#Men
#Things
#Wages
#Without
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Could
#Hear
#Me
#Morning
#Underwear
My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Big
#Clock
#Find
#Gay
#He
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Father
#Finger
#More
#Remember
#Time
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Acting
#Emotions
#Hide
#Mask
#Time
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Home
#Me
#Night
#Sexy
#Wife
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Dark
#Light
#Me
#Naked
#Wife
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#About
#Bee
#Birds
#Me
#Wife
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Fight
#He
#Hope
#Man
#World
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Beat
#God
#Know
#Me
#Ugly
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Me
#Night
#Nothing
#Sex
#Wife
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Hand
#Neighborhood
#Real
#Some
#Tough
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Ask
#Big
#Get
#People
#Pet
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Cat
#Covering
#Me
#Sandbox
#Up
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Me
#Seeing
#Truth
#Two
#Wife
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Chair
#Dying
#He
#Me
#Wish
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Dog
#Glass
#Marriage
#Tough
#Wife
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Best
#Birthday
#Man
#Respect
#Wife
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#General
#He
#Me
#Met
#Surgeon
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Drink
#Last
#Olive
#Time
#Too Much
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Dinner
#Doing
#Marriage
#Sleep
#Together
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Age
#Food
#Life
#Mirror
#Sex
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Brown
#Me
#Teeth
#Tie
#Yellow
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Get
#Luck
#Politician
#Respect
#Way
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Funny
#Her
#Interrupt
#Want
#Wife
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Fat
#Funny
#Look
#People
#Way
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Bath
#Me
#Parents
#Radio
#Toys
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Family
#Found
#Funny
#Tree
#Up
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Coming
#Drinking
#Going
#Juice
#Know
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Friend
#Me
#Mother
#Never
#She
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Being
#Everyone
#Me
#Ridiculous
#Said
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Always
#Found
#Kid
#Parents
#Them
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Car
#Drive
#Me
#Sex
#Wife
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Happy
#Met
#Then
#Wife
#Years
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Crazy
#Me
#Okay
#Opinion
#Ugly
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Fight
#Game
#Hockey
#Night
#Sports
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Call
#Dog
#Egypt
#Pet
#Room
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Born
#Doctor
#Medical
#Mother
#Ugly
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Calendar
#Day
#Jealousy
#Know
#Wife
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
- Rodney Dangerfield
#Day
#Girl
#Home
#Me
#Nobody
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