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Milton Berle
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People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.
- Milton Berle
#Long
#Me
#People Say
#People
#Television
Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.
- Milton Berle
#Comedian
#Joke
#Like
#Work
#Would
Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
- Milton Berle
#Disgrace
#Inconvenient
#Poverty
I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.
- Milton Berle
#Four
#Joke
#Jokes
#Want
#Whatever
They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
- Milton Berle
#Finally
#Mistake
#Office
#Perfect
#Up
Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.
- Milton Berle
#Funny
#Good
#Great
#Laugh
#Looking
I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'
- Milton Berle
#Air
#Children
#Me
#Parents
#Sleep
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
- Milton Berle
#Accountant
#Company
#He
#Shy
#Why
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
- Milton Berle
#Feel
#Husband
#Interesting
#Know
#Like
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
- Milton Berle
#Bread
#Orders
#Person
#Somewhere
#White
It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.
- Milton Berle
#Amazing
#Buy
#Fast
#How
#Now
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
- Milton Berle
#Blank
#Get
#Income
#Just
#Who
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
- Milton Berle
#Experience
#Forgotten
#Funny
#Her
#Name
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
- Milton Berle
#Doctor
#Feel
#Life
#Me
#My Life
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
#Congress
#Funny
#Lead
#Make
#Man
#Think
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
- Milton Berle
#Funny
#Lot
#Owe
#Television
#Watching
There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.
- Milton Berle
#Funny
#Point Of View
#Style
#View
#Will
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
- Milton Berle
#Laugh
#Live
Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.
- Milton Berle
#Happiness
#Look
#Money
#More
#Places
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
- Milton Berle
#Committee
#Funny
#Group
#Hours
#Minutes
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle
#Always
#Good Wife
#Good
#Wife
#Wrong
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
- Milton Berle
#Cannot
#Far
#Never
#Once
#Star
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
- Milton Berle
#Evolution
#Hands
#How
#Mother's Day
#Two
Laughter is an instant vacation.
- Milton Berle
#Humor
#Instant
#Laughter
#Vacation
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
- Milton Berle
#Build
#Door
#Inspirational
#Opportunity
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