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Les Dawson

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#Tags
Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up. - Les Dawson
#Finish
#Institution
#Marriage
#Up
#Where
Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.' - Les Dawson
#Angel
#Beer
#Happiness
#Me
#Mind
I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve. - Les Dawson
#Friend
#Lion
#Lost
#School
#Teacher
I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.' - Les Dawson
#Doctor
#She
#Week
#Why
#Wife
The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.' - Les Dawson
#Door
#Home
#Rain
#Stand
#Week
How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing. - Les Dawson
#Another
#Funny
#How
#Personal
#Thing
My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him. - Les Dawson
#Dictionary
#Gave
#Get
#Out
#Word
I know my name will always be linked with women. - Les Dawson
#Always
#Know
#Name
#Will
#Women
I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it. - Les Dawson
#Bad
#Law
#Mother
#News
#Tomorrow
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked. - Les Dawson
#Amazed
#Down
#Mother-In-Law
#Never
#Well
I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing. - Les Dawson
#Fault
#Only
#Saying
#She
#Things
My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it. - Les Dawson
#Fat
#Hand
#Her
#Mother-In-Law
#She
My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.' - Les Dawson
#Dance
#Day
#Hope
#Sea
#Will
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' - Les Dawson
#Enough
#Help
#Men
#Mother-In-Law
#Said
#Should
I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps. - Les Dawson
#Always
#Coming
#I Can
#Law
#Mother
The mother-in-law is the centre of a family. - Les Dawson
#Centre
#Family
#Mother-In-Law
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. - Les Dawson
#Objects
#Sex
#She
#Time
#Wife
The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week. - Les Dawson
#Good Old Days
#Good
#Rising
#Way
#Week
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. - Les Dawson
#Funny
#Furniture
#Living
#Own
#Trouble
My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in. - Les Dawson
#Change
#Christmas
#Her
#House
#Round
#Year
In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet. - Les Dawson
#Mars
#Moon
#Ride
#Roof
#Space
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