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Joan Rivers
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All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always loved fashion and I love that we can do it and not take it seriously.
- Joan Rivers
#Fashion
#Love
#Seriously
#Way
#Window
Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.
- Joan Rivers
#About
#Child
#Mother
#Never
#Your
I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.
- Joan Rivers
#I Am
#I Can
#Live
#Want
#Will
Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore.
- Joan Rivers
#Chore
#Pleasure
#Reading
#Should
Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought of it.
- Joan Rivers
#Actor
#Good Actor
#Good
#Look
#Night
I could pull my living in and live OK, but I don't want to live OK. I'm very happy to live in my penthouse, very happy I can pick up a check, very happy to have a great life and be able to spread my wealth a little bit.
- Joan Rivers
#Great
#Life
#Live
#Living
#Wealth
Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.
- Joan Rivers
#Go
#Me
#Night
#Trust
#Week
Show business is - you're there by somebody's fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you're fine. I'd do anything. There's so much I want to do.
- Joan Rivers
#Anything
#Business
#Fine
#Long
#Want
My audiences get younger all the time.
- Joan Rivers
#Audiences
#Get
#Time
#Younger
When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from.
- Joan Rivers
#Feel
#Guilty
#Job
#Know
#Work
I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
- Joan Rivers
#Career
#Honored
#I Am
#Me
#Never
Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.
- Joan Rivers
#Comedy
#Funny
#Learning
#Small
#Young
I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote.
- Joan Rivers
#Chicken
#I Am
#Me
#Stupid
#Vote
I am furious about everything.
- Joan Rivers
#About
#Am
#Everything
#Furious
#I Am
All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.
- Joan Rivers
#Always
#Black
#Dying
#Friends
#Why
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
- Joan Rivers
#Accept
#Funny
#Lucky
#Old
#Will
Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
- Joan Rivers
#Against
#Her
#Me
#Take
#Up
I was a Brownie Scout mother.
- Joan Rivers
#Mother
#Scout
I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
- Joan Rivers
#Before
#Every
#Lived
#Show
#Stage
I just love acting.
- Joan Rivers
#Acting
#Just
#Love
If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
- Joan Rivers
#Acting
#Line
#Look
#Same
#Up
Every television show you go on is a choice.
- Joan Rivers
#Choice
#Every
#Go
#Show
#Television
I hate reality shows that are not reality.
- Joan Rivers
#Hate
#Reality Shows
#Reality
#Shows
I was not an attractive child.
- Joan Rivers
#Attractive
#Child
I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.
- Joan Rivers
#Business
#Good
#Look
#Think
#Where
Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
- Joan Rivers
#Boy
#Dress
#Needs
#Queen
#Who
You hear things about certain people. When you hear someone was mean to a limo driver or a wardrobe lady, or someone was rotten to a fan, somewhere in your brain it gets stuck.
- Joan Rivers
#Brain
#Lady
#Mean
#People
#Wardrobe
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
- Joan Rivers
#Beautiful
#Comic
#Girl
#Little
#Who
I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
- Joan Rivers
#Celebrity
#Country
#Fool
#Think
#World
I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
- Joan Rivers
#Attractive
#Child
#Girl
#Uniform
#Use
What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.
- Joan Rivers
#Care
#Fire
#Me
#People
#Work
Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.
- Joan Rivers
#Beat
#Comedy
#Rough
#Should
#Very
As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.
- Joan Rivers
#Difficult
#Everything
#Jokes
#Life
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
- Joan Rivers
#Come
#Group
#Out
#Therapy
#Unhappiness
Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
- Joan Rivers
#Age
#Angry
#Day
#Hate
#Me
I've always been salaried; I've never owned anything. I've done very well, lived very well.
- Joan Rivers
#Always
#Anything
#Done
#Never
#Well
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
- Joan Rivers
#History
#Make
#Nice
#Read
#Too
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
- Joan Rivers
#Anyone
#Funny
#Happy
#I Think
#Think
Life does not measure up to performing... Performing is perfect.
- Joan Rivers
#Life
#Measure
#Perfect
#Performing
#Up
When you whisper about something, it's too big, and you can't get it under control and take control of it.
- Joan Rivers
#About
#Big
#Control
#Something
#Take
I will work as hard as I do because I love it.
- Joan Rivers
#Because
#Hard
#Love
#Will
#Work
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
- Joan Rivers
#God
#Life
#Me
#Parents
#Thank God
Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There's no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he's doing an acting job.
- Joan Rivers
#Acting
#Doing
#Fresh
#Night
#Sound
I love Katy Perry! She's very charming.
- Joan Rivers
#Charming
#I Love
#Love
#She
#Very
I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.
- Joan Rivers
#Always
#Invitation
#Me
#People
#See
I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
- Joan Rivers
#Always
#Charity
#House
#People
#Speak
I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.
- Joan Rivers
#Dad
#Doctor
#Funny
#Me
#Today
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
- Joan Rivers
#Ashes
#Day
#Every Day
#Husband
#Way
I love the Internet, and I love that you can say whatever you want.
- Joan Rivers
#Internet
#Love
#Say
#Want
#Whatever
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
- Joan Rivers
#Birth
#Dog
#Dumb
#Like
#Me
I just get such a connection from an audience. You play with them. I get mad at them. I yell at them. They yell at me. It's just fun.
- Joan Rivers
#Audience
#Connection
#Fun
#Mad
#Me
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew?
- Joan Rivers
#Fashion
#Me
#Police
#Stupid
#Talk
I've never thought of it consciously... I say exactly what I think, and very often it's totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it's not shtick. But I think I'm the one who says, 'The emperor has no clothes.'
- Joan Rivers
#Always
#Clothes
#Never
#Say
#Think
I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives.
- Joan Rivers
#Live
#Relatives
#Support
#Very
#Well
I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.
- Joan Rivers
#Beyond
#Comedy
#Man
#Rich
#Support
I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.
- Joan Rivers
#Boss
#Doing
#Matter
#Own
#People
I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
- Joan Rivers
#Anything
#Me
#Praise
#Someone
#Will
My career is as an actress. I am an actress playing a comedienne.
- Joan Rivers
#Actress
#Am
#Career
#I Am
#Playing
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous.
- Joan Rivers
#Drama
#Find
#Laugh
#Love
#People
Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
- Joan Rivers
#Life
#Love
#Serious
#True Love
#True
When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.
- Joan Rivers
#Care
#Fashion
#I Am
#Me
#Police
With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.
- Joan Rivers
#Death
#Looking
#Sleep
#Someone
#Wake Up
Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.
- Joan Rivers
#Always
#Being
#Important
#Me
#Time
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
- Joan Rivers
#Just
#She
#Understand
#War
#World
My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.
- Joan Rivers
#Big
#Loved
#Mother
#New
#Thanksgiving
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
- Joan Rivers
#Country
#God
#Sky
#Thank God
#Thankful
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
- Joan Rivers
#Fat
#Favorite
#Food
#Her
#Seconds
My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought of when I could put thoughts together was I want to be in show business. Never wanted anything else. I used to sneak in the costume room at my nursery school and smell the costumes.
- Joan Rivers
#Business
#Eyes
#Room
#Thoughts
#Together
It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride.
- Joan Rivers
#Die
#God
#Great
#Nobody
#Ride
I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.
- Joan Rivers
#Car
#Go
#Little Things
#Never
#Three
I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.
- Joan Rivers
#Funny
#I Think
#Line
#Think
I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.
- Joan Rivers
#Always
#Know
#Nothing
#Sometimes
#Your
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
- Joan Rivers
#Best
#Birth
#Control
#Leave
#Now
I am a huge 'Downton Abbey' fan - huge!
- Joan Rivers
#Am
#Downton Abbey
#Fan
#Huge
#I Am
The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
- Joan Rivers
#Loved
#Me
#Someone
#Stage
#Worst
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
- Joan Rivers
#Anything
#Like
#Oil
#Strive
#Us
Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them.
- Joan Rivers
#Fat
#Find
#Hilarious
#Jokes
#Them
I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.
- Joan Rivers
#Business
#Friendship
#Matter
#People
I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
- Joan Rivers
#I See
#Need
#Once
#See
#Wonderful
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
- Joan Rivers
#Forgotten
#Long
#Sex
#Up
#Who
What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror - anything that upsets me.
- Joan Rivers
#Absurd
#Anything
#Horror
#Laugh
#Me
The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
- Joan Rivers
#Happiest
#Stage
#Thing
I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
- Joan Rivers
#Children
#Country
#Fool
#Hate
#World
I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
- Joan Rivers
#Apartment
#Done
#Like
#New York
#New
Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman... I met Harry Truman... But you know what I mean? Nobody's interested. They want to know you met Rihanna. And that kills me.
- Joan Rivers
#Know
#Me
#Mean
#Nobody
#Want
Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.
- Joan Rivers
#Charles
#Funny
#Prince Charles
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
- Joan Rivers
#Birth
#Me
#Respect
#Sleep
#Wake Up
I get butterflies before I go out to say hello at a party.
- Joan Rivers
#Butterflies
#Get
#Go
#Hello
#Say
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
- Joan Rivers
#Man
#Mistakes
#Questions
#Sleep
#Woman
It's feast or famine in showbiz.
- Joan Rivers
#Famine
#Feast
#Showbiz
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers
#Bend
#Diamonds
#God
#Us
#Work
I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.
- Joan Rivers
#Get
#Minute
#Person
#Think
#World
Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
- Joan Rivers
#Attractive
#Face
#Go
#Way
#Work
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- Joan Rivers
#Covers
#Flabby
#Stomach
#Them
#Thighs
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
- Joan Rivers
#Know
#Like
#Look
#Plastic Surgery
#Wish
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
- Joan Rivers
#Body
#Die
#Much
#Plastic Surgery
#Will
I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
- Joan Rivers
#Beginning
#Good
#Look
#Now
#Tried
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
- Joan Rivers
#Directory
#More
#Taylor
#Telephone
#Than
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
- Joan Rivers
#Else
#Everyone
#Saying
#Thinking
I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.
- Joan Rivers
#Always
#Change
#Feel
#Survival
#Yourself
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