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H. L. Mencken

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Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies. - H. L. Mencken
#Communism
#Like
#Other
#Religion
#Up
Judge: a law student who marks his own examination-papers. - H. L. Mencken
#Judge
#Law
#Own
#Student
#Who
I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk. - H. L. Mencken
#Cow
#Feeling
#Milk
#Order
#Tension
The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore. - H. L. Mencken
#Contribution
#God
#Human
#Proof
#Thought
Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest. - H. L. Mencken
#Begin
#Evidence
#Husband
#Marriage
#Wife
In the duel of sex woman fights from a dreadnought and man from an open raft. - H. L. Mencken
#Fights
#Man
#Open
#Sex
#Woman
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. - H. L. Mencken
#American
#Now
#Progress
#Taxes
#Twice
I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs. - H. L. Mencken
#Eggs
#Go
#Hen
#Reason
#Same
One may no more live in the world without picking up the moral prejudices of the world than one will be able to go to hell without perspiring. - H. L. Mencken
#Go
#Hell
#Live
#Will
#World
I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine. - H. L. Mencken
#Never
#Nine
#Smoked
#Until
Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ. - H. L. Mencken
#Christ
#Christian
#Rank
#Superior
The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral. - H. L. Mencken
#Cathedral
#House
#Music
#Opera
Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago. - H. L. Mencken
#Born
#Die
#Long
#Man
#Woman
Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong. - H. L. Mencken
#Act
#Human
#Morality
#Theory
#Wrong
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing. - H. L. Mencken
#Been
#Centuries
#Terms
#Theologians
A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman. - H. L. Mencken
#Bad
#Good
#Man
#Time
#Woman
Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. - H. L. Mencken
#Experience
#Love Is
#Love
#Who
#Women
Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil. - H. L. Mencken
#Alimony
#Devil
#Happy
#Pay
Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly. - H. L. Mencken
#Beautiful
#Machine
#Man
#Very
#Works
Temptation is an irresistible force at work on a movable body. - H. L. Mencken
#Body
#Force
#Movable
#Temptation
#Work
Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good. - H. L. Mencken
#Free
#Good
#Man
#Men
#Wise
A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground. - H. L. Mencken
#Animal
#Fence
#Ground
#Politician
#Sit
There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor. - H. L. Mencken
#Humor
#Man
#Men
#Never
#Own
#See
Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true. - H. L. Mencken
#Admitted
#Be True
#Everyone
#Idea
#True
All government, of course, is against liberty. - H. L. Mencken
#Against
#Course
#Government
#Liberty
Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon. - H. L. Mencken
#Fly
#Just
#Moon
#People
#Think
I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing. - H. L. Mencken
#Confess
#Democracy
#Enjoy
#Idiotic
Poetry has done enough when it charms, but prose must also convince. - H. L. Mencken
#Convince
#Done
#Enough
#Must
#Poetry
Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it. - H. L. Mencken
#Country
#Hear
#Love
#Man
#Speak
The cynics are right nine times out of ten. - H. L. Mencken
#Nine
#Out
#Right
#Ten
#Times
Time stays, we go. - H. L. Mencken
#Go
#Stays
#Time
A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there. - H. L. Mencken
#Church
#Heaven
#Never
#Place
#Will
Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other's speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in. - H. L. Mencken
#Day
#Election
#Faith
#Past
#Time
One of the most mawkish of human delusions is the notion that friendship should be eternal, or, at all events, life-long, and that any act which puts a term to it is somehow discreditable. - H. L. Mencken
#Act
#Eternal
#Events
#Friendship
#Human
#Notion
No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man. - H. L. Mencken
#Absolutely
#Believe
#Man
#May
#Other
Nine times out of ten, in the arts as in life, there is actually no truth to be discovered; there is only error to be exposed. - H. L. Mencken
#Error
#Life
#Only
#Ten
#Truth
A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in. - H. L. Mencken
#Best
#Better
#Campaign
#Mass
#Political
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry. - H. L. Mencken
#Chemistry
#Mathematics
#Physics
#Woman
A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents. - H. L. Mencken
#Children
#Evil
#Parents
#Prison
#School
A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable. - H. L. Mencken
#Capable
#Society
#Up
#Who
#Would
Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on. - H. L. Mencken
#Always
#Looking
#Man
#Shoulder
#Woman
No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight. - H. L. Mencken
#Long
#Man
#Matter
#Wise
#Woman
The only cure for contempt is counter-contempt. - H. L. Mencken
#Contempt
#Cure
#Only
No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single. - H. L. Mencken
#Drink
#Happy
#He
#Man
#Worse
A prohibitionist is the sort of man one couldn't care to drink with, even if he drank. - H. L. Mencken
#Care
#Drink
#Even
#He
#Man
Life is a dead-end street. - H. L. Mencken
#Life Is A
#Life
#Street
Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing. - H. L. Mencken
#Effort
#Explain
#Knowing
#Terms
#Worth
I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense. - H. L. Mencken
#Common Sense
#Hate
#Person
#Sports
#Who
Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient. - H. L. Mencken
#Become
#Good
#Husbands
#Merely
#Never
To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true! - H. L. Mencken
#Die
#Ideas
#Men
#Noble
#True
The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil. - H. L. Mencken
#Devil
#Failure
#God
#Long
#Man
Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian. - H. L. Mencken
#About
#Baseball
#Just
#Opera
#Sensible
It is hard for the ape to believe he descended from man. - H. L. Mencken
#Ape
#Believe
#Hard
#He
#Man
Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious. - H. L. Mencken
#Feeling
#Secure
#Self-Respect
The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. - H. L. Mencken
#Animal
#Capacity
#Greater
#Human
#Other
It is not materialism that is the chief curse of the world, as pastors teach, but idealism. Men get into trouble by taking their visions and hallucinations too seriously. - H. L. Mencken
#Curse
#Men
#Seriously
#Trouble
#World
For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end. - H. L. Mencken
#End
#Feel
#Human
#Marriage
#Together
#Trust
Nevertheless, it is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. - H. L. Mencken
#Average
#Believe
#He
#Man
#Nevertheless
Let's not burn the universities yet. After all, the damage they do might be worse. - H. L. Mencken
#Burn
#Damage
#Might
#Universities
#Worse
I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them. - H. L. Mencken
#Bad
#I Am
#Never
#People
#Shy
Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. - H. L. Mencken
#Always
#Back
#Funny
#Pleasant
#Will
Criticism is prejudice made plausible. - H. L. Mencken
#Criticism
#Made
#Plausible
#Prejudice
A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them. - H. L. Mencken
#Always
#Love
#Man
#Special
#Tenderness
Have you ever watched a crab on the shore crawling backward in search of the Atlantic Ocean, and missing? That's the way the mind of man operates. - H. L. Mencken
#Man
#Mind
#Search
#Shore
#Way
It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf. - H. L. Mencken
#Being
#Golf
#Good
#Imagine
#Impossible
All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. - H. L. Mencken
#Admit
#Difference
#Men
#Myself
#Only
I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone. - H. L. Mencken
#Believe
#Enough
#I Believe
#Liberty
The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. It is not so much a war as an endless standing in line. - H. L. Mencken
#Existence
#Human
#Life
#Standing
#Tragedy
#War
When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. - H. L. Mencken
#Always
#Hands
#Kiss
#Prize
#Women
Adultery is the application of democracy to love. - H. L. Mencken
#Adultery
#Application
#Democracy
#Love
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. - H. L. Mencken
#Conscience
#Mother-In-Law
#Never
#Visit
What men value in this world is not rights but privileges. - H. L. Mencken
#Men
#Privileges
#Rights
#Value
#World
The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. - H. L. Mencken
#Lies
#Money
#Value
#Which
#World
Don't overestimate the decency of the human race. - H. L. Mencken
#Decency
#Human Race
#Human
#Race
No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not. - H. L. Mencken
#Always
#Man
#Matter
#Nice
#Woman
The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor. - H. L. Mencken
#Argument
#Common
#Kind
#Poor
#Poverty
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. - H. L. Mencken
#Average
#Believe
#Funny
#He
#Man
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. - H. L. Mencken
#Examination
#Judge
#Law
#Own
#Student
When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before. - H. L. Mencken
#Never
#New
#Politicians
#Practice
#Two
Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice. - H. L. Mencken
#Bear
#Easy
#Injustice
#Justice
#Stings
Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love. - H. L. Mencken
#Children
#Love
#Men
#Simple
#Women
Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience. - H. L. Mencken
#Experience
#Men
#Wisdom
#Woman
#Women
If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish. - H. L. Mencken
#Foolish
#Good
#More
#Trust
#Women
A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas. - H. L. Mencken
#Dog
#Must
#Professor
#Teacher
#Theory
Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself. - H. L. Mencken
#Every Man
#Man
#Relationship
#Relatives
War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands. - H. L. Mencken
#Never
#Peace
#War
#Will
#World
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. - H. L. Mencken
#Die
#Marriage
#Men
#Time
#Women
It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods. - H. L. Mencken
#Easy
#God
#Imagination
#Universe
#Wise
Historian: an unsuccessful novelist. - H. L. Mencken
#Historian
#History
#Unsuccessful
As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft. - H. L. Mencken
#Grow
#Grows
#Hard
#Heart
#Soft
Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband. - H. L. Mencken
#Husband
#More
#Sister
#Wealth
#Wife
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too. - H. L. Mencken
#Know
#Marriage
#Men
#More
#Women
Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it. - H. L. Mencken
#Always
#Fool
#He
#Man
#Safe
There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good. - H. L. Mencken
#Be Prepared
#Fifty
#Good
#May
#Saying
Every man is his own hell. - H. L. Mencken
#Every Man
#Every
#Hell
#Man
#Own
Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. - H. L. Mencken
#Also
#Democracy
#Form
#Worship
It doesn't take a majority to make a rebellion; it takes only a few determined leaders and a sound cause. - H. L. Mencken
#Cause
#Majority
#Rebellion
#Sound
#Take
Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas. - H. L. Mencken
#Between
#Horns
#Life Is A
#Life
#Sharp
Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse. - H. L. Mencken
#Excuse
#Man
#Temptation
#Weapon
#Woman
Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time. - H. L. Mencken
#Better
#Immorality
#Morality
#Time
#Who
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