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Gilbert Gottfried

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Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing. - Gilbert Gottfried
#Bad
#Comedy
#Nice
#Words
#Work
Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp. - Gilbert Gottfried
#Been
#Depp
#Johnny
#Never
#Unfortunately
With me, traveling for work is arriving at the airport, checking into the hotel, leaving the hotel the next morning at 4 or 5 to do something like 'The Jimmy and Jackie Captain Crazy Morning Zoo,' doing a bunch of those in a row, then going back to the hotel, and then finally going to the club. - Gilbert Gottfried
#Crazy
#Hotel
#Me
#Morning
#Work
I was Jewish, through and through, although in our house that didn't mean a whole lot. We never went to synagogue. I never had a Bar Mitzvah. We didn't keep kosher or observe the Sabbath. In fact, I'm not so sure I would have known what the Sabbath looked like if it passed me on the street, so how could I observe it? - Gilbert Gottfried
#House
#Me
#Mean
#Never
#Street
The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever. - Gilbert Gottfried
#Being Funny
#Being
#Funny
#Pressure
#Up
I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things. - Gilbert Gottfried
#Bad
#Brain
#Habit
#Surgeon
#Things
I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep. - Gilbert Gottfried
#Free
#Sleep
#Time
#Wake Up
#Way
I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is the Eiffel Tower. In Egypt, the pyramids are right there. In the movies, every hotel has a monument right outside your window. My hotel rooms overlook the garbage dumpster in the back alley. - Gilbert Gottfried
#Back
#Egypt
#Hotel
#Movies
#Window
If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I'd go, 'Well, war isn't that terrible.' - Gilbert Gottfried
#Go
#Lunch
#Peace
#War
#World
No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism. - Gilbert Gottfried
#Influence
#Nice
#Plagiarism
#Think
#Used
I remember being at the premiere of 'Beverly Hills Cop II' and the tremendous reaction from the crowd outside, then going to a party at a hotel afterwards where the speakers were blasting 'Shakedown,' a song from the movie. That felt like a show biz moment to me. - Gilbert Gottfried
#Hotel
#Me
#Moment
#Remember
#Song
Back when Jerry Seinfeld was just another comedian hanging around the clubs, I'd imitate him to amuse myself and the other comics. The club owners would say, 'What are you doing that for? Nobody knows him.' - Gilbert Gottfried
#Back
#Club
#Doing
#Myself
#Nobody
I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept. - Gilbert Gottfried
#Accept
#Human
#I Can
#Only
#Political
I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it's crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it's laughing. Nowadays, we would say, 'How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.' - Gilbert Gottfried
#Comedy
#Find
#Look
#Mask
#Picture
I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn't funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood. - Gilbert Gottfried
#Childhood
#Enough
#Feet
#Funny
#Sad
If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny, don't laugh. Or you could possibly go as far as groaning or rolling your eyes. Then you wait for his next joke; if that's funny, then you laugh. If it's not, you don't laugh - or at very worst, you can leave quietly. - Gilbert Gottfried
#Eyes
#Find
#Funny
#Laugh
#Wait
One thing I can take credit for, along with the rest of show business, is when the red ribbons were out, we cured AIDS. Any advancements that came towards fighting AIDS were not done by scientists or doctors - it was people with little ribbons on their lapels. - Gilbert Gottfried
#Business
#Credit
#Fighting
#People
#Rest
If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better. - Gilbert Gottfried
#Better
#Else
#Food
#Just
#Lot
#Someone
I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked. - Gilbert Gottfried
#Find
#Me
#Naked
#Relationship
#See
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