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Fred Allen
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The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
- Fred Allen
#Down
#Funny
#Own
#Time
#Walking
California is a great place to live if you're an orange.
- Fred Allen
#California
#Great
#Live
#Orange
#Place
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
- Fred Allen
#Church
#Funny
#People
#Religion
#Time
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
- Fred Allen
#Find
#Just
#Travel
#Up
#Yourself
All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
- Fred Allen
#About
#Anything
#Humor
#Know
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
- Fred Allen
#Church
#Fear
#God
#Stars
#Sunglasses
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
- Fred Allen
#Family
#Know
#Look
#Tree
#Up
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
- Fred Allen
#Advertising
#Agency
#Business
#Confusion
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
- Fred Allen
#Church
#Days
#Failure
#Go
#Week
#Wild
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
- Fred Allen
#Fine
#Funny
#Happen
#Live
#Place
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
- Fred Allen
#Form
#Imitation
#Sincerest
#Television
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
- Fred Allen
#Good
#Hanging
#He
#Man
#Puns
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
- Fred Allen
#Fly
#Fruit
#Heart
#Seeds
#Sincerity
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allen
#Gathering
#Nothing
#People
#Together
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
- Fred Allen
#Committee
#Group
#Unnecessary
#Unwilling
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allen
#Done
#Group
#Meet
#Nothing
#People
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
- Fred Allen
#Bottle
#Front
#Full
#Me
#Rather
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
- Fred Allen
#Rare
#Technology
#Television
#Well Done
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
- Fred Allen
#Back
#Day
#Graduation
#Law
#Well
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- Fred Allen
#Funny
#Like
#Long
#Me
#People
#Who
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
- Fred Allen
#Dark
#Famous
#Glasses
#Life
#Person
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
- Fred Allen
#Children
#Dad
#Father
#Hand
#Never
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
- Fred Allen
#Amazing
#Musical Instrument
#My Own
#Own
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