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Don Rickles

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I don't say I was the first, because, who knows, maybe there was a guy out in Minnesota doing it before me. - Don Rickles

You know how a fighter always comes into the dressing room way before a fight? That's me - I'm like a fighter. - Don Rickles

It's tough having the last name 'Rickles.' Luckily, my kids handled it great. - Don Rickles

Diana Krall I met in, I think it was Canada. She's a lovely lady. Her husband, Elvis Costello, is a great star. - Don Rickles

You got to have a lot of courage. Secondly, whatever it is you're doing, you have to believe in it wholeheartedly. Thirdly, you have to be able to stand up in front of people and know that they'll laugh. - Don Rickles

I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is. - Don Rickles

Why should I retire? I'm like a fighter. The bell rings, and you come out and fight. - Don Rickles

So, I'm on the satellite every Sunday, no matter where we are, with the Rams. Turn on the satellite; got to watch the Rams. - Don Rickles

To this day, if you gave me $1,000, I really can't stand up - You can tell a joke. You're a good storyteller and a good joke teller. - Don Rickles

I can get an audience screaming in Las Vegas and say, 'Barbara, that was a great show,' and she'll say, 'Would you please hurry up? We have dinner reservations at 9:30.' - Don Rickles

Compared to what comics say today, I'm a monk, but in those days, it was unheard of to make fun of people like I did. Of course, they exaggerated how outrageous I really was. - Don Rickles

Many, many years ago, I stood on the stage and told bad jokes and did Sophie Tucker as an impersonation, and nobody looked up; and suddenly, I looked down and said, 'Sir, I'm getting fed up with you. Either you watch, or I'm going to suck your neck,' or words to that effect, and suddenly people started to laugh. - Don Rickles

My wife is great. She always goes to the bank to see if the check has cleared. - Don Rickles

One thing a comedian does, when you step on the stage, you're selling yourself, and certainly I don't think the whole world can love you. But if you can get the majority on your side, you're really in business. - Don Rickles

Johnny Carson was king of the kings, in my opinion. - Don Rickles

At 90, I'm still working a couple of dates a month. My mind is very sharp on the stage, so why not? This may sound corny, but I do it because people - young and old - still come to see me, and they're very enthusiastic about my work. They treat me like the Godfather. - Don Rickles

Girls were scared of me because I can be loud. Barbara, my wife of 51 years, is very low-key. She was my picture agent's secretary. - Don Rickles

When I was a younger guy doing comedy, it was a big struggle. Promoters canceled me out of clubs left and right when I called somebody a dummy or a yo-yo. Then they realized I was different. - Don Rickles

I like to think I'm like the guy who goes to the office Christmas party Friday night, insults some people, but still has his job Monday morning. - Don Rickles

The girls, like, in we'll say Hooters, have less clothing than the girls I worked with in those days. We thought it was wild when they just wore little bells and so forth. But today, in restaurants, some of the waitresses almost work in the nude, you know, to get business. - Don Rickles

I exaggerate all our selves, our beings. I make fun of everything: of our life and what we are. But I don't tell jokes, really. I just exaggerate life, and it comes out funny. - Don Rickles

I'm a New Yorker, originally. I was raised in Jackson Heights. I went to P.S. 148 and then Newtown High School. If World War II didn't come, I'd still be there in school. World War II saved me. - Don Rickles

Sometimes, I knew generally what I was going to do, but I've never written anything down. Call it a sixth sense: the lines just come. - Don Rickles

The thing I love about Vegas is that it's a melting pot. It's like working Ellis Island. - Don Rickles

I don't have regrets. I've never sat here and thought, 'Gee, if only I'd done 'The Man Who Came to Dinner' on Broadway, I would have been happier.' - Don Rickles

Honestly, I didn't realize it - all of a sudden, I was 90. The years skipped by quickly. When it happened, I said, 'Where did the time go?' - Don Rickles

I don't practice or write stuff down - everything I do onstage was just made up before I went on. - Don Rickles

I busted my bird for 60 years in the business, but my grandkids only know me as Mr. Potato Head. - Don Rickles

After over 50 years of headlining, I've been received very beautifully. But I always say, when you're onstage, you can't please everybody. I'm sure there are people who may not take to what I do, but that's OK. - Don Rickles

Everything I've performed has been from my own head. - Don Rickles

Among my friends, I'm not a little Boy Scout, and they love my humor, thank God. - Don Rickles

I don't walk into a dinner party and say, 'You're an idiot; give me my coat.' - Don Rickles

I don't do impressions. - Don Rickles

The young comedians always ask me, 'What's the secret for staying around?' I tell them, 'There is no secret - just stay around. Longevity is the most important thing.' - Don Rickles

I've been hot, I've been lukewarm, I've been freezing, but I've always been a headliner. - Don Rickles

Some people call me a legend and the last of the greats, and I appreciate it. - Don Rickles

Half the battle is that people have to like you before you say one joke, one bit of humor. - Don Rickles

I say things I get away with, and it becomes a joke. - Don Rickles

Ninety percent of the people who come to see me are my fans. - Don Rickles

I don't like to compare myself with anybody. - Don Rickles

When you do comedy, you can't please the world, although I'd like to think that most of my audiences were on my side. - Don Rickles

Now when I'm not working, I don't really hang out with the young comics. - Don Rickles

It's very sweet to have people say nice things about you, and I always accept that. - Don Rickles

After I graduated, I tried Broadway, which was difficult for me. It was tough to get a part on Broadway, so I just started talking to audiences at different social gatherings, and little by little I became Don Rickles - whatever that is. - Don Rickles

Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich. - Don Rickles

Even when I was in high school and the Navy, I was the guy who could rip somebody, and they'd laugh at it. - Don Rickles

I didn't get married until I was 38. - Don Rickles

You've got to be able to sell yourself. - Don Rickles

Bob Newhart, who is my best friend, is one of the guys I adore. - Don Rickles

When you first start out with something new, you're always a little uptight. - Don Rickles

The man I adored, and miss him terribly, was Johnny Carson. - Don Rickles

The average person pushes an elevator button 6 or 7 minutes before realizing it's not working. I did a study on this, you know. - Don Rickles

I'm not one of those guys who wants to die on a stage. - Don Rickles

I was 28 when my father died, and I was an only child. - Don Rickles

Yeah, I make fun of blacks, and why not? I'm not a black. - Don Rickles

I've never had a written script. - Don Rickles

Compared to what some of the young comics use for material today, I'm a priest. - Don Rickles

To this day, when I say that I went to the American Academy, people are very impressed. The reputation of the school has always been fantastic. - Don Rickles

Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts. - Don Rickles

If something strikes me as funny, I'll put it in my performance. - Don Rickles

I write my own tweets. - Don Rickles

My wife, Barbara, is great. She arranges when I do work that I have a day off between performances. - Don Rickles

I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one. - Don Rickles

I always say, when you're onstage you can't please everybody. I'm sure there are people who may not take to what I do, but that's okay. Thank God the majority are in my corner. - Don Rickles

You lose your energy, you lose that excitement and it gets the audience up. - Don Rickles

I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book. - Don Rickles

I still have drive, but everything is relative. - Don Rickles

Funny is funny. - Don Rickles

I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it. - Don Rickles

To me, the stand up part in my life is great. I know I can do that. When I get an acting chance, I'm really thrilled. - Don Rickles

I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke. - Don Rickles

I told jokes badly. - Don Rickles

I mean, in my - and I'm not trying to do spilled milk, but in those days it was a little - I think it was much tougher, because you got an image, and you were in a saloon. And it was tough to come out of a saloon and to get in films, and to maintain an image, you know. - Don Rickles

In our day we went from - we went into saloons. We couldn't cross over like you can today, get a television series and all of a sudden you're a major movie star, you know. - Don Rickles

I was a mother's boy. - Don Rickles

When I'm onstage, I'm acting. - Don Rickles

Well, I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one. - Don Rickles

To my knowledge, I was the first guy really to do what I do. And then later on different comedians started trying doing it. - Don Rickles

Everything I've ever done in my whole career, people might not know, I've never written anything down on paper. - Don Rickles

I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny. - Don Rickles

My whole act is off the top of my head. - Don Rickles

I never went out looking for glory. - Don Rickles

My life was in Montreal years ago. Best food in the world. - Don Rickles

My wife came into my life, and my mother still wanted to be the boss. - Don Rickles

I ride a recumbent bike for half an hour every day. - Don Rickles

Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed. - Don Rickles

My mother was a Jewish General Patton. - Don Rickles

I want to be a dog, but I'm a pussycat. - Don Rickles

I enjoy mixed audiences, not one particular group. Short, tall, scientists, Jews, gentiles, whatever, as long as they breathe and like to laugh. - Don Rickles

Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap. - Don Rickles

Most people think the character I do onstage is the way I am offstage, but I'm just a regular guy who spends time with his family and who turns on the television and watches a lot of sports. - Don Rickles

I used to work over a bar. That was - there was no stage. I stood over a tiny bar. Louis Prima, rest his soul, he worked there. I was the guy that filled in when he was off the stage. - Don Rickles

Herb Solo at that time was the head of MGM. I said, 'I want to live like Clint Eastwood.' Did I know at that time Clint Eastwood, to him, Heaven was a truck, a dog, and a picnic basket for food or something? - Don Rickles

I've never gone to comedy clubs. - Don Rickles

Frank Sinatra. Hey, Frank, I saw you in 'The Pride and Passion,' and I want to tell you the cannon was wonderful! - Don Rickles

What keeps me going is that young people still want to see me. - Don Rickles

I do situations and make fun of authority and life. - Don Rickles

Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that. - Don Rickles

Once in a while, when I'm alone, I think about my age. I think, 'How many more years do I have on this earth?' But I can't really conceive of dying. - Don Rickles

No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you. - Don Rickles

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