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Ambrose Bierce
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Consul - in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
- Ambrose Bierce
#American
#Country
#He
#People
#Politics
Irreligion - the principal one of the great faiths of the world.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Faiths
#Great
#Principal
#World
Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Art
#Color
#Fools
#Gift
#White
Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Bones
#Hope
#Person
#Skin
#Up
Incompatibility. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Domination
#Matrimony
#Similarity
#Taste
Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Part
#Talking
#Thinking
#Which
#While
Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Expensive
#State
#Those
#Whom
#Would
Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Boundaries
#Diplomatic
#Divorce
The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Acquaintance
#History
#Most
#Powerful
Suffrage, noun. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another man's choice, and is highly prized.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Choice
#Duty
#Man
#Opinion
#Vote
Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Ardor
#Knowledge
#Love
#Quality
#Without
Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from a man who did not particularly care to trace his own.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Account
#Care
#Man
#Own
#Who
Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Mistaken
#Positive
#Top
#Voice
Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Able
#Equal
#Left
#Pick
#Skill
Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Age
#Errors
#Experience
#Light
#Youth
Ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Ability
#Degree
#Found
#High
#Solemnity
Land: A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Control
#Earth
#Foundation
#Society
Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Cry
#Die
#Immortality
#Lie
#People
Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Dead
#Person
#Power
#Praise
#Wealth
Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Grease
#Great
#King
#Other
#Slippery
Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Animals
#Dead
#Fork
#Mouth
#Purpose
Alien - an American sovereign in his probationary state.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Alien
#American
#His
#Sovereign
#State
Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Act
#Bread
#Deliberation
#Side
#Which
I believe we shall come to care about people less and less. The more people one knows the easier it becomes to replace them. It's one of the curses of London.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Believe
#Care
#I Believe
#More
#People
Edible - good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Good
#Man
#Pig
#Snake
#Toad
Dog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Catch
#Dog
#Kind
#World
#Worship
Impartial - unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Advantage
#Controversy
#Personal
#Side
Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Compromise
#He
#Satisfaction
#Thinking
Absence blots people out. We really have no absent friends.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Absence
#Absent
#Friends
#People
#Really
Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Another
#Move
#Mysterious
#Property
#Way
Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Convenient
#Deity
#Drunk
#Getting
Sabbath - a weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Days
#God
#Origin
#Sabbath
#World
I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Democrats
#Never
#Said
#Were
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Everything
#Inactivity
#Others
#Who
Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Age
#Childhood
#Life
#Sin
#Youth
Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Ambition
#Dead
#Desire
#Enemies
#Living
Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Call
#Clever
#Joke
#Seldom
#Sharp
Enthusiasm - a distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Connection
#Experience
#Small
#Youth
Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
- Ambrose Bierce
#About
#Heaven
#Pretty
#Us
#World
Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Beyond
#Financial
#Savages
#Tribe
What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Country
#Democrats
#Republican
#Ruin
Historian - a broad-gauge gossip.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Gossip
#Historian
Trial. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Formal
#Inquiry
#Judges
#Prove
#Record
Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Fiery
#Madness
#Produce
#Rum
#Total
Doubt begins only at the last frontiers of what is possible.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Begins
#Doubt
#Last
#Only
#Possible
Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Common Sense
#Fortune
#Sense
#Truth
Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
- Ambrose Bierce
#House
#Money
#Plan
#Plans
#Your
It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Always
#Better
#Change
#Feel
#Man
Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Fortune
#Good Fortune
#Good
#Others
#Two
The covers of this book are too far apart.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Apart
#Book
#Covers
#Far
#Too
A man is known by the company he organizes.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Company
#He
#Known
#Man
Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Call
#Leaving
#Nature
#Respond
#Spring
#Things
Curiosity, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Curiosity
#Mind
#Quality
#Soul
#Woman
Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Attached
#Bigot
#Entertain
#Opinion
#Who
We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Attitude
#Majority
#Posture
#Respect
To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Mistaken
#Positive
#Top
#Voice
Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Change
#Form
#Politics
#Revolution
Duty - that which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Desire
#Direction
#Duty
#Profit
#Us
Impiety. Your irreverence toward my deity.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Deity
#Irreverence
#Toward
#Your
Fidelity - a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
- Ambrose Bierce
#About
#Fidelity
#Peculiar
#Virtue
#Who
Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Chain
#Debt
#Ingenious
#Substitute
#Whip
Prejudice - a vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Opinion
#Prejudice
#Support
#Without
Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Having
#Instrument
#Kind
#Weather
#Which
Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Imagination
#Liberty
#Most
#Precious
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Person
#Pleasure
#Temptation
#Weak
#Who
Genius - to know without having learned; to draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to discern the soul of things.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Genius
#Know
#Soul
#Things
#Unknown
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Place
#Religion
#Serve
#State
#Which
Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Good
#Man
#Pig
#Snake
#Toad
When you doubt, abstain.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Abstain
#Doubt
#Wisdom
#You
An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Low
#Me
#More
#Person
#Taste
Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Leisure
#Place
#Sin
#Wish
#Women
Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Acquaintance
#Enough
#Know
#Person
#Well
Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Bed
#Dawn
#Go
#Men
#Reason
Backbite. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Find
#He
#Him
#Man
#Speak
Laziness. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Degree
#Laziness
#Low
#Person
#Repose
Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Art
#Critic
#Painting
#Them
#Weather
Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Come
#Go
#Litigation
#Machine
#Pig
Confidante: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Confided
#Entrusted
#Herself
#Secrets
Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Invisible
#Person
#Power
#Seeing
#Woman
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Himself
#Interested
#Me
#More
#Person
Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Ask
#Laws
#Single
#Universe
#Unworthy
Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Dead
#Edited
#Revised
#Saint
#Sinner
Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to their readiness to doubt.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Become
#Believe
#Doubt
#Men
#Willingness
Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Day
#Hours
#Period
#Time
#Twenty-Four
Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Country
#Fool
#Make
#Power
#Vote
Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Name
#Patriotism
#Ready
#Rubbish
#Torch
Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Patience
#Planning
#Revenge
#Worth
Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Best
#Guess
#Medical
#Situation
#Will
Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
- Ambrose Bierce
#American
#Humor
#Intellectual
#Salt
#Wit
Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Agreeable
#Happiness
#Misery
#Sensation
Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Conspicuously
#Famous
#Miserable
Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Experience
#Folly
#Old
#Us
#Wisdom
Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Education
#Ignorance
#Kind
#Learning
The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Best
#Life
#Them
#Things
#Up
Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Danger
#Denial
#Doubt
#Lead
#Truth
Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Compensation
#Conscience
#Gift
#God
Battle, n., A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Battle
#Political
#Teeth
#Tongue
#Would
Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Independence
#Intellectual
#Intelligence
Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Absurdity
#Belief
#Opinion
#Own
Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.
- Ambrose Bierce
#Ashamed
#Less
#Love
#Men
#Women
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