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Adam Carolla
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When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I'm gone for six days it feels like too much.
- Adam Carolla
#Christmas
#Feel
#Life
#New
#Start
I don't know anything about computers.
- Adam Carolla
#About
#Anything
#Computers
#Know
Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
- Adam Carolla
#Average
#Batting
#Funny
#Good
#Maybe
The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'
- Adam Carolla
#Daughter
#Fire
#Funny
#Humor
#Reason
I mean, we sit around and we go, you know, 'Torture doesn't work.' Well, it's been around for 5,000 years. Most stuff that doesn't work goes the way of the dodo pretty quick, like waterbeds and 8-tracks and things like that.
- Adam Carolla
#Know
#Sit
#Torture
#Way
#Work
The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.
- Adam Carolla
#Horrible
#How
#Job
#Learned
#Thing
I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women.
- Adam Carolla
#Daughter
#Love
#Never
#Who
#Women
If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place.
- Adam Carolla
#Conservative
#Need
#People
#Place
#Who
All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.
- Adam Carolla
#Army
#Government
#Standing
#Taxes
#Way
When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.
- Adam Carolla
#Basketball
#Brother
#Odds
#Team
#Why
If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.
- Adam Carolla
#Beer
#Butterfly
#Me
#Television
#Water
Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes.
- Adam Carolla
#Everyone
#Pay
#People
#Rich
#Taxes
Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.
- Adam Carolla
#Feel
#Free
#Higher
#Pay
#Taxes
I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist.
- Adam Carolla
#Just
#Realist
#Sexist
People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.
- Adam Carolla
#Dumb
#People
#Stuff
#Stupid
#Successful
I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.
- Adam Carolla
#Democrat
#Now
#Republican
#Used
My first car was a motorcycle.
- Adam Carolla
#Car
#First
#Motorcycle
Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.
- Adam Carolla
#Go
#Patriotism
#Place
#Sense
#Want
My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.
- Adam Carolla
#Education
#Food
#Mom
#Never
#Work
I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn't have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.
- Adam Carolla
#Chicken
#Food
#Good
#Night
#World
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